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The Official Sorry I’m Late.com Award System

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 Award: Golden Llama  The Golden Llama

Only bestowed upon the greatest of the great, the best of the best, the cream of the crop (might be copyright issues there). In any case, only the most magnificent of films can reach the pinnacle of excellence which is the Golden Llama.

 Award: The Dr. Ian Malcolm  The Dr. Ian Malcolm

Oops, something went wrong here. Only films that fail in epic magnitutions receive this DIShonour: the Dr. Ian Malcolm “That is One Big Pile of Shit” award. These movies don’t even give you that perverse satisfaction of enjoying a really bad movie. It’s just bad. Thankfully because I’m so generous, don’t expect these to be handed out in great number.

   The Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez

Presented to any movie that features a character that’s name is dumb, absurd or a combination of both. Named after Sean Connery’s “Obi-Wan” character from Highlander.

 

 The Stan Winston

Awarded to any movie that features some amazing creature design. Named in honour of the master of the craft, the late Stan Winston.

 

 The Recycle

Presented to a sequel, prequel, reboot, remake or anything else that is devoid of an original idea. Expect many of these to be handed out.

 

 The Baldwin

Alec, Daniel, William, Stephen; there are a shit load of Baldwin’s gracing our screens. But apart from Alec, why do we keep seeing them in shitty movies? Is it shitty acting? Personal problems and drug abuse? Reality television appearances? Who cares, they all look the same.

 

 The Hans Gruber

The Gruber is presented to any film that includes EEEVIL foreign terrorists as the story’s antagonists. Named after EEEVIL foreign terrorist extraordinaire Hans Gruber from Die Hard.

 

 The Danny Trejo

For featuring Danny Trejo. That is all.

 

 The Converse All-Star, Vintage 2004

Ahh, product placement. A necessary evil, for sure. And when done corrrectly it can be near invisible, or at best actually add to the realism of a movie; because of course we are in fact surrounded by products in real life. But this award is for the blatant ones, the shameless ones, the ones that stand out as an obvious plant of corperate greed (Synergy is a word that is tossed around). Named after Will Smith’s shameless shilling of his new “vintage” sneakers in I, Robot.

 

 The “Get To Da Choppa!!”

Presented to those special movies where the quips and one-liners stay with you for a long time to come. It’s title comes from a classic Arnold line (and there are many) from Predator (“Knock knock!”).

 

 The Wilhelm

The Wilhelm Scream is a SFX trope used by filmmakers and sound designers as an in-joke and a bit of a wink-and-nudge to those in the know – popularised by appearing in most Lucas and Spielberg films.

 

 The Ash

Presented to any film that is rich in B-movie awesomeness. Named in honour of – not the main character from Pokemon – but cult B-movie star Bruce Campbell and his seminal role from the Evil Dead films. May also be awarded to movies that are not necessarily B-grade, but feature hallmarks to consider it a cult classic.

 

 The Nails

Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Wolverine, John McClane, The Rock. If the main protaganist in a movie happens to be listed here – or they easily fall in to the same category – they are hard as nails. And in that case we present this award.

 

 The “Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions”

Awarded to movies where, the generally too-cool-for-school hero of the piece turns his back on an explosion taking place. Can be in slow motion. Name taken from the song “Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions” performed by Andy Samberg and Will Ferrell (as Neil Diamond) from the 2009 MTV Movie Awards(JJ Abrams on keyboard solo!).

 

 The Fury

Given to any film where it is worth staying through the credits: whether it be Jackie Chan-style bloopers or a short sting once the credits are finished, such as Skeletor appearing from the lake and saying “I’ll Be Back!” at the end of Masters of the Universe. Popularised lately during Marvel Studio’s Phase One series of movies

 

The Lorne Michaels

Awarded to films that feature Saturday Night Live alumni. Named after SNL creator Lorne Michaels.

 

 The Seagal

Awarded to movies that feature martial arts related ass-kickery. Named after one-man wrecking crew Steven Seagal, which could have easily been Chuck Norris, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bruce Lee, Brandon Lee, Jet Li…

 

 The Heigl

“Awarded” to that same old, tired romantic comedy that we’ve all seen a billion times. A large portion of these star Katherine Heigl and are yuck.

 

The Cuba Gooding Jr.

Dedicated to all of those who have had a fall from grace, which normally is funny if they are genuinely untalented, but a real tragedy when they are. Such as our friend Cuba Gooding Jr, who has gone from Jerry Maguire and Boyz n the Hood to Daddy Day Camp and Boat Trip. A damn shame.

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1 Comment

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