Top 10 Vampire Movies You Should See Instead Of Twilight: New Moon

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com in 2009.

Luke Miksa's: The Negative Space Bar

Count Von Count

Count Von Count: Loving lists.

I’m always one to jump on fads, hence a section of this website dedicated to lists (geez, no-one’s done THAT on a blog or website before), but there is one fad I simply cannot buy into – the current trend of super-pussified, sensitive vampires. TwilightThe Vampire Chronicles, etc do nothing to add to the lasting legacy of vampire fiction, on the contrary they actually drag it down.

Take the great vampires characters of all time; Count Orlok, Count Dracula, Lestat de Lioncourt. Edward Cullen? Methinks not. Vampires vaporise and die in direct sunlight, they don’t sparkle beautifully.

With that being said, and seeing the imminent release of the new Twilight film, New Moon, is just around the corner, allow me to present to you the Top 10 Vampire Films You Should See Instead Of Twilight: New Moon.

Honourable Mentions

Nosferatu (1922): Arguably the single most influential vampire tale ever put to film; Nosferatu misses out on the list simply because I would like to make the list a more contemporary one. And it’s in the public domain, so go ahead and download it without fear of SWAT busting through your door.

Universal and Hammer: Out of the list once again for contemporary reasons, both Universal Studios and Hammer Horror series of films sparked vampiric interest in the 1930’s and the 1960’s respectively, and portrayals of Dracula by both Béla Lugosi and Christopher Lee are iconic still to this day.

Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995): Deep in the period of Leslie Nielsen’s career where the dead horse was well and truly beaten, but I still like it. It’s not good, but it’s still Mel Brooks, dammit.

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10
Salem’s Lot (1979)

Salem's Lot

Ok, technically not a theatrically released film but a two part mini-series, Stephen King’s Salem’s Lot deserves a spot on the list by simply by being so influential to later 1980’s ‘suburban vampire’ tales (some of which appear here, how exciting), and also being the source of the super-creepy, Nosferatu inspired, Kurt Barlow. And it also stars Hutch himself, TV’s David Soul – awesome! There is also a 2004 remake starring Rob Lowe and Rutger Hauer, which I own but have not yet watched.

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9
Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994)

Interview With The Vampire

Starring the super-hunky vampire trifecta of Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas comes Anne Rice’s primary tale in her Vampire Chronicles saga – a saga which Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series is a dubious bastardisation of, thematically. A gloomy, gothic and violent tale, this is one that does not shy away from the brutal characteristics of vampires but also shows the dark, romantic and beautiful sides of these same creatures. Like Twilight but, you know, not lame. But stay away from sequel Queen of the Damned – it sucks balls.

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Top 10 Auxiliary Star Wars Characters

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com in 2009.

Luke Miksa's: The Negative Space Bar

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you, Internet.

The Star Wars movie universe is full of diverse and interesting characters. When you add with that the ostensibly endless and grandiose expanded universe, even the most rudimentary and meaningless characters have far more depth than they really need or deserve.
With that being said let me bring to you the Top Ten Auxiliary Star Wars Characters (just movies; not Expanded Universe. If I did Expanded Universe you know that I’d include Dash Rendar. Heck yep!) that serve no real plot purpose per se, but are memorable in their own special ways. Onward reading waits…

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Ponda Baba

Ponda Baba

Ponda Baba, why so needlessly aggressive? Baba and his accomplice Dr. Evazan try to pick a fight with a fresh-faced Luke Skywalker in the Mos Eisley Cantina, with a translating Evazan warning Skywalker, “He doesn’t like you. I don’t like you either!” When the situation escalates, Obi-Wan’s light-sabre quickly takes care of the two gentlemen with ‘a death sentence on twelve systems’. Ponda Baba’s arm shall be missed, and this was the first example of bitches getting pwned by Jedi.

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Max Rebo

Max Rebo

The leader of the eponymous Max Rebo Band; the performers at Jabba’s Palace in Return of the Jedi. Memorable because the character design is honestly so simple and rushed looking that a soft, blue elephant-looking thing appears a bit odd compared to other cool creatures in the scene, such as the Gamorrean guards. Along with compatriots Sy Snootles and Droopy McCool (I’m not making these names up) the band performed the awesome song Lapti Nek which was replaced by a horrendous CG fest in the 1997 Special Edition. Boo-urns to that. (more…)

The Weasel Poster Gallery #2

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com on 15/11/2010.

Luke Miksa's: The Negative Space Bar

Here is Part 2 of The Weasel Posters Gallery; which incidently happens to be the second part of the first part which I posted last week. Notice the gradual technical improvement. Enjoy!

Also, let it be known that the Nicolas Cage version of The Wicker Man is one of the most train-wreck-hilarious movies of all time.

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The Weasel Poster Gallery #1

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com on 08/11/2010.

Luke Miksa's: The Negative Space Bar

Something that I have been doing for funzies over the years is creating Weasel Posters. The premise of these harmless shenanigans was simple: take a well known theatrical movie poster and replace the main actor with The Weasel. I did them purely out of boredom and self-entertainment, but they seem to have taken off in popularity since I began to post them on Facebook.
So here is Gallery Number One: The Early Years. You may notice the sometimes shockingly amateur production values– as do I – but I present these in all their unrefined glory (check out the creepy human hand that I forgot to ‘Weaselize’ in the Dirty Dancing poster). Enjoy!

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Get in the Bin!: 3D Television

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com on 27/09/2010.

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There are many embarrassing fads currently permeating throughout our current cultural zeitgeist; Justin Beiber, auto-tune, Ed Hardy, but there is something out there that is obviously just a fad that is misleadingly being sold as the future of home entertainment: 3D Television.

Spot The Weasel...Ever since the release of Avatar in late 2009, 3D has been all the rage in technological circles. We are seeing sporting events, television shows and a great many films utilising this ‘new’ space-age, technological advancement and having it shoved down our collective throats. The problem is that 3D popularity is cyclical; with booms of 3D films in the 1950’s and the 1980’s prior to this current run of popularity. It seems that every generation gets a run of 3D domination: which is fine, except that in each instance the fad dies and becomes a gimmick just as quick as it started.

But I hear you saying, “…but Luke, Avatar was revolutionary; a state of the art, immersive experience that you yourself have praised for its technical achievements. You can’t deny the highest grossing movie of all time, sir. You just cannot.”

This is all true, but don’t forget that Avatar had an unprecedented production schedule of about five years, as well as having an extravagant budget which has been estimated to have been around the $250 million mark – both huge numbers by Hollywood standards. No matter how hard they try, no other movie will match Avatar aesthetically due to those two glaring facts. And in the year since Avatar’s release we have seen a slew of 3D films which have served nothing but to hammer this point home: nothing has matched Avatar and it appears nothing will in the foreseeable future.

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Get in the Bin!: iTunes Updates

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com on 15/09/2010

Luke Miksa's: The Negative Space Bar

Welcome to the newest feature of Sorry I’m Late.com, a little thing I like to call GET IN THE BIN! (Or as many sane people call it: ranting). The genesis was simple: I have a lot of beef with many different things; so begins this gripe-tacular period of this website’s history…

 

Seven: that’s how many times I’ve had to download a new version of iTunes this year alone! And these are not just simple updates and patches; these are full downloads of roughly about 100MB each time. I know this isn’t very much by today’s standards, but without naming names, my Telstra internet connection is about as sluggish as, well, a slug: a big fat one. The last thing I need is another download to take up all my bandwidth and chip away at my precious download limits.

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