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6 Classic TV Characters Who Should Have Stayed Dead

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As you may or may not have heard, there’s a rumour doing the rounds on the mill that the presumed dead father of the incest twins and grand papi to the King, Tywin Lannister, may make an epic comeback in season five of Game of Thrones. Whether or not Tywin’s role in the upcoming season will be a resurrection or only in a flashback capacity has yet to be confirmed. In light of this new information, I thought it was fitting to revisit some of those classic TV characters who just should have stayed dead. In case you haven’t already guessed the following has MAJOR SPOILERS from a whole lot of TV shows, so proceed with caution:

6. Lex Luther – Smallville

The dramatic death of Lex Luthor at the end of season seven in Smallville should have been the last hoorah for Lex and Clark. Instead, the series that believe it or not went so far down hill it fell on it rested gently at the bottom after the death of iconic villain Lex Luther and decided, ‘Hey, let’s give him another shot.’ Then after almost three seasons they slowly re-integrated Lex back in to the last season, desperately manipulating a story that would seem only slightly legitimate in explaining Lex’s comeback. This resulted in arguably the worst season of Smallville. Firstly, he should have quit while they were ahead, and secondly, if they didn’t devote the whole season to some convoluted Lex resurrection, it could have actually been a great end to an awesome series.

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Top Five Trashy TV Treasures

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Everyone has their secret trashy TV guilty pleasure, and if they don’t… they’re lying. If you’re in the market for a new bout of entertainment, here’s the most cringe-worthy, craptastic, laugh yourself silly and call them crazy, Top Five Trashy TV Treasures. Grab some friends, some chocolate and the alcohol of your choice and get cosy coz it’s gonna be a long night.

#5 –Toddlers and Tiaras

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Pageant shows are the pinnacle of reality TV. Crazy pageant mums: check. Kids sugar-high tantrums: check. Fierce competition: check. But most of all, the shameless parents lacking any moral or intellectual substance: check! Toddlers and Tiaras has it all rolled in to a bundle of oh-so-wrong entertaining television. Follow new kids every week through their daily pageant routines, spray tan, fake nails, even the odd eyebrow wax to win that Ultimate Grand Supreme title.This show isn’t about watching a child fulfil their pageant dreams, it’s your chance to yell profanities at the brainless parents who are clearly manipulating their children, it’s so bad it’s good. Catch these parental malfunction daily on Lifestyle You.

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The Best Films of 2013

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2013 was a pretty fantastic year for cinema — as long as you look past onset of blockbuster/superhero fatigue, often ridiculous Australian release schedules for smaller films (aka Stupid Australian Release Schedules), and a strange fascination with the apocalypse arriving a year too late. But I kid; for every annoyance, the medium produces many things to be excited about. I’m keeping this positive!

Let’s get down to it:

Missing the cut: The Wolverine, The Way Way Back, Side Effects, The Kings of Summer

I havn’t seen these (mainly due to Stupid Australian Release Schedules) but I’d probably dig them: The Wolf of Wall Street, Her, Inside Llewyn Davis, Nebraska, Dallas Buyers Club, 12 Years a Slave, Short Term 12

Cloud Atlas was released in Australia in 2013 (Stupid Australian Release Schedules), but for the sake of this list it will be treated as a 2012 film.

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10. Captain Phillips

The second-most intense film of the year (number one is below), which is made more so due to the fact that the incredible events depicted in Captain Phillips actually happened (sans the Hollywood artistic license). Tom Hanks knocks this role out of the water with an incredibly strong showing, and his performance in the final scenes left me in shocked silence for a while. Director Paul Greengrass knocked this one up a notch, even with his visceral, shaky-shaky handheld style (which I’m generally not a fan of).

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Top 10 Christmas Movies

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com on 30/12/2010.

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Honourable Mentions
Batman Returns, Trading Places, Bad Santa, Jingle All The Way, It’s A Wonderful Life
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Dishonourable mention
Santa’s Slay (2005)

Santa's Slay

What a terrible movie this is. But really, I don’t think the creators were really chasing an Academy nomination when they decided to cast former WCW Champion Bill Goldberg as a psychotic, murderous Santa Claus (because Santa is an anagram for Satan – get it?). The first scene involves Goldberg humorously killing off a bunch of annoying second string celebrities including Fran Drescher and Chris Kattan (and James Caan – why did he agree to this?). Goldberg tears through the movie killing, maiming and even smashing out some signature wrestling moves and catch phrases (and did I hear his theme music in one scene?).
…actually, this movie is pretty rad – the kind of movie that you laugh at, not with.
…wait; it’s produced by Brett Ratner: ewwwww!

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Die Hard (1988)

Die Hard

Yeah, Die Hard made my Christmas list. The Nakatomi-set action masterpiece is set on Christmas Eve – the Christmas decorations, snow and music are a dead giveaway (unlike Gruber’s minions who just wind up dead). Despite the body count McClane tallies up, Die Hard will always be a festive Christmas treat – as will the lesser-but-still great sequels.

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Top 10 Expendables Expansions

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com on 04/08/2010.

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The ExpendablesWith the imminent release of Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables mere weeks away, one has to only look at the cast to notice that it is a veritable who’s who of testosterone drippers from yesterday and today (mainly yesterday):

The Expendables
Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Jet Li, Jason Statham, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Eric Roberts, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin, and Randy Couture.

Now, that’s a heck of a line-up! Stallone has done well in casting this throwback-epic of 80’s action nostalgia, and although it would be impossible to do so, imagine if the budget was expanded to add additional ammo (i.e. more pecs and biceps). Robert Rodriguez’s similarly themed Danny Trejo vehicle Machete picks up a few leftovers, and in turn creates a cast that is of a calibre to be just as bragadocious:

Machete
Danny Trejo, Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal, Jeff Fahey, Tom Savini, and Michelle Rodriguez.

Most impressive, though there are still a few names that spring to mind that I feel are left out. Although a couple of these names were indeed linked to this project at one point or another, here is Sorry I’m Late.com’s Top 10 Expendables Expansions:

Honourable Mentions: Bruce Campbell, Nicolas Cage, Jon Voight, Benicio Del Toro, Peter Stormare, Antonio Banderas

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Wesley Snipes

Wesley Snipes

Bursting on the scene as Willie Mays Hayes in 1989’s Major League, Snipes made a career throughout the 90’s in a string of fairly successful action/action-comedies, which showcased his martial arts skills as well as his on screen insanity and occasional comic turns. In the past decade, the master of intense method-acting has only had the intermittently decent Blade franchise as his only significant line of work. With all his legal trouble and jail time, nobody knows if he can make a big-screen comeback, all I know is that he has the nicest mug-shot ever taken…

Snipes Mug Shot

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The Mid-Year Anticipation List 2010

This article was published on the original Sorry I’m Late.com on 27/06/2010.

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Not only is it the middle of the year, but it is that time of year where the studios are launching their big-guns into theatres around the globe – it’s summer blockbuster season! (Here in Australia it is winter blockbuster season, which makes more sense – nothing better when it’s cold outside then going to a nice warm movie theatre. Summer is beach time, dammit.)

With that I present to you my mid-year anticipation list; with some of these films presented having been promoted since this time last year and sometimes earlier. With such long periods of gestation, any longer and I may have spoiled myself with an anticipati-gasm. Now, on to the list…

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The Other Guys

The Other Guys

The buddy-cop comedy: Many have come before, many shall come after; many have been average at best, but the best are amazing. Why do I get the feeling that this is shaping up to be the latter?

First of all – despite the opinions of many – I am as of yet not sick of Will Ferrell and I still find his man-child shtick funny. Not to mention I dig all of his outings with director Adam McKay (hanging for another run with Ron Burgundy as well).

We also have Mark Wahlberg in a comedy – an actual excuse to laugh at him, even though I have been laughing at his films for years now. I really dug The Big Hit, so hopefully he can find that kind of comic form once again.

And check out the support cast: Sam Jackson and The Rock as arrogant super-cops? Michael Keaton?! Yep!

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